Imperfectionism

I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.   ~ 2 Corinthians 12:5 - 10

So I have a confession to make: I'm a perfectionist. I know most of you must be just terribly shocked. Just as I'm terrible about hiding my perfectionist tendencies from everyone else (yes, my notes really do have to be color coded, and yes I do plan out practically every hour of my week on google calendar before a test), I'm pretty terrible about keeping them under control. 

Don't get me wrong - I think striving for excellence is a wonderful thing. It motivates people to work harder, run further, be kinder, and all sorts of other great things. It gets messy when your best isn't quite good enough by everyone else's standards. 

This week, this issue of perfectionism has been particularly at the forefront of my mind. My first week of inpatient medicine has been a week of "do betters:" I don't know where things are in the hospital, I don't know what's wrong with my patients, I don't know how to put in orders to treat my patients, I don't know how to best present, I don't know how to learn all of the material I need to...basically, I just don't know. I think all of us get this pervading feeling of being lacking every once in a while. Sometimes it motivates us to work harder, but when it's all surrounding, sometimes it just exposes our weaknesses and makes us realize that despite our efforts, we're imperfect. I know this is such a simple point, but I still struggle with acknowledging my own inadequacies at times and realizing that despite my best efforts and my hardest work, I will not be perfect. There's something about this knowledge that doesn't sit right with me, giving me a sense of deep unease. Sometimes, I just can't accept my own imperfection.

So. How do we address spiritual imperfection? I know the easy answer is that we all acknowledge our sin and that we have fallen short of the glory of God and need Christ's grace. I'm with you there. But despite this knowledge, I still wrestle with how to think about sins in my life that I've struggled with for years and years on end. Do I push myself to do better? Do I beat myself up for not trying hard enough? Do I accept Christ's grace and then forget about it? And if I do that, how will I know that I'm working on pleasing God? Why on earth does God still let me struggle with this anyways, if He has the power to take it away? 

And that's where 2nd Corinthians comes in. Christ says He gives us these struggles so that we do not become conceited in our own abilities. He assures us that His grace covers all of the problems with our imperfections, and that His power is made perfect in our weakness. Soak that in for a second. It's sort of weird right? Almost that our own imperfections magnify and glorify the Lord more, which is exactly our purpose in the first place! For me, every time I hear that it's totally revolutionary. 

So my challenge for today is to think about how your weaknesses can glorify God. Pray about how your constant struggles can reveal the strength of the Lord. 

Boast in being an imperfectionist. 

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, bot h to will and to work for his good pleasure. ~ Philippians 2:12-13